Category: Blog

Access to Center

Highly Sensitive People experience the world in a unique way, creating some challenging situations for all parties involved. Nowhere is this more clear than in school.

My focus for this post is on the system itself and I want to emphasize that this is not a critique on the dedicated individuals making positive contributions to schools nationwide (U.S. system as this is what I can speak to). Everyone is doing their best to juggle all of the moving pieces: students, parents, staff, administrators, academic, social emotional, extracurricular. The box that is the education system is virtually the same box that was designed in the mid-late 1800’s as part of the 2nd industrial revolution. You would have seen this advertisement during that time. Needless to say, we are no longer living in that world.

We have also learned a lot about the science of learning since the system was designed, yet the basic format remains.  During my school board tenure (2013-2021), we implemented a shift towards a “constructivist” philosophy where students actively construct knowledge for themselves. Not being an educator, my exploration of constructivism led me to numerous articles from the 1990’s highlighting the benefits of granting students more agency in their education. Surprisingly, almost 30 years later, we are still slowly transitioning to that philosophy.   

Mike Rowe’s “The Way I Heard It” podcast recently featured Todd Rose, a high school dropout turned Harvard professor. During the introduction Rowe says “everybody knows that kids don’t learn in the same way and yet, for generations, we act as if they do.” I will add…and we label them as deficient when they cannot operate in that traditional environment. Todd’s story of failing in school and then finding his life’s purpose is common. Throughout my years of interactions with school staff, I heard numerous stories of kids that struggled in school, yet once out in the world they flourished. A former student that could not even set foot in the high school building found success in college. Conversations with talented musicians revealed shared disdain for school and academic performances that matched.

I completed special education advocacy training recently. As I work more advocacy cases, I am feeling a whole new level of sadness and frustration with how the system treats those that don’t or can’t conform. Simultaneously, I recognize that 1) what is best for special ed kids can benefit all kids 2) highly sensitive kids often are like canaries in the mine. Schools are seeing the number of kids needing IEP’s grow, while more and more kids rely on medication for anxiety and ADHD.  The situation demands reflection.

So, the box needs a remodel major overhaul. Besides this challenge, HSP’s are unconventional thinkers and can feel as Stephanie Tolan describes in “Is It a Cheetah?”. As I pondered this post, another simple and fun metaphor popped into my head.

Picture the classic shape sorter toy. Using visual/spatial, motor, and problem-solving skills, the child must figure out which opening allows each shape entry to the middle. As hard as one tries to shove the circle into the hexagon spot, it won’t ever go.

If the inside of the sorter symbolizes success, where success equals a happy, healthy, and purposeful life, how are we supporting each child (shape) to access the center?

Everything Needs a Home

Guest post from Carrie Bonnett, Executive Function Coach

Has this ever happened to you? You’re rushing to get out the door when suddenly your child realizes that they can’t find their (insert important item here). Or you can’t find your (insert other important item here).

First of all, you might think to yourself, why does this always happen when I’m in a hurry?

Second of all, why is this so stressful?

And third of all, (not until much later, of course) what could I have done differently?

Ooh, I want to focus on this third question. It’s a good one. It means that your metacognition is kicking in. You’re thinking about your thinking. What could you have done differently to help in this situation? How can you prevent it from happening again (and again and again)?

Challenges in working memory and sustained focus make it very easy to put something down and then forget where we put it.

The solution to this problem is simple enough: Everything needs a home. Every single thing needs one predictable place where you can find it in a hurry. But is this easy? Nope. (We will get to that shortly.)

By “everything needs a home,” I mean everything.

Think of the kitchen. The kitchen has lots of homes for its various contents. Food goes in the pantry, the refrigerator or the freezer. Plates and bowls are often stacked on a shelf. Silverware even has its own special organizer. (I love the silverware organizer.) This strategy works!

Commonly misplaced items among my clients are things like phones, ear buds, keys and wallets (or, for a certain someone who lives in my house, sunglasses). These things need a home. Maybe it’s a basket or a bowl. Perhaps it’s a shelf or a hook.

And what about clothing? You need to know where to find the socks, the mittens, the hats, the jackets and the shoes. They, too, must have a home.

And the important papers? This is where a good filing system comes into play. That’s just a home for your papers. Every adult needs some kind of filing system for important papers. It doesn’t have to be a full filing cabinet, but adults need a place to keep adult things like birth certificates, tax documents, rental agreements and special receipts. If you’re a student, perhaps that home for important papers is a binder.*

 

As I mentioned, this is not easy. First, we have to find a home, but then we have to commit to putting items in their homes. See? Not so easy. So here are some tips to guide you:

  • When it comes to the things that you often misplace, the first thing to think about is where is the best place for you? Don’t get too caught up in shoulds. I should keep my keys by the door. I should keep my jacket on a hook. Find what works for you. One of my adult clients was forever misplacing his wallet. After spending some time brainstorming the best choice for him, he decided to try the bathroom as a home for his wallet. A little unconventional? Yes. But he thought it was the best place for him. In fact, he tried it in conjunction with the next tip.
  • Sarah Kesty, of the Executive Function Podcast, recommends using blue painters’ tape to mark a “parking spot” on the counter (or the desk or the dresser or the nightstand). The visual reminder of the tape can help trigger your metacognition – “Oh! That’s right. I’m going to put my wallet in this spot every time I come home.” You won’t have to keep the tape there forever, but it definitely helps at first.
  • It’s possible that you need to acquire a home like a hook, a basket, a shelf or a container. But, then again, perhaps you don’t. Look around your home. I always recommend using things you already have.
  • Which brings us to the next important thing to remember: keep it in sight. For things that are very important, keep them in your face. Out of sight is truly out of mind for many brains with Executive Function challenges.
  • And finally, one last tip: This everything-needs-a-home rule might feel totally overwhelming. You might have many things that need a home. But just choose one. Choose one thing that is the most annoying to you. Brainstorm ideas for a new home. Then give it a try! Take it up a notch by enlisting your family members, roommates and friends to (ever so gently) tell you when it’s not in its home.

And, remember: We must be gentle with ourselves. Start small.

*Ask me about binders. I have lots of ideas!

*****Looking for an Executive Function Coach for yourself or your child? You can find Carrie here.*****

Zoom Out

I recently had a conversation with my eldest daughter about her transition into adult life. After her download about all the pieces that she wanted to be perfect, all I could say was “take a breath and zoom out”.  Yes, my “seasoned” adult perspective has a wider breadth versus a 22-year-old working hard to make her mark while earning a small stipend. The infinite number of details she was trying to control were causing overwhelm. My suggestion to “zoom out” was just like the game where you try to guess the item of a hyper-magnified picture, where widening the lens allows us to see. Taking a step back actually permits us to identify purpose and understand how each activity relates. In my advocates’ class with Don’t IEP Alone, Lisa Lightner constantly talks about the lighthouse in the distance, the metaphor she suggests for clarity and focus on what is important.

Since the discussion with my child, other situations involving perspective have bubbled up into my consciousness. Perspective really is everything. With it comes appreciation for more viewpoints and interpretations, which empowers more holistic decisions. This perspective and thus ability to see through the noise often has been earned through challenging experiences such as battling cancer or losing a loved one because what is important becomes clear and the things that are not fall away.   

There is such a thing as being too close to a situation; examples of this are not hard to find. Ask any empty nesters about something that they wished that they had spent more time doing and you will inevitably hear that they would have just enjoyed their kids more. When you are “in the weeds” of parenting, it’s easy to get caught in the hustle and bustle of school, activities, feeding them, and teaching our family values, while giving them space to fail. Time to stop and smell the beautiful blooms (our children) is often difficult to manage. I wish I could shrink my girls back to when the giggles were contagious and dress up shoes clapped across the floor. I now understand why older women in the grocery store would see the cute, curious, and silly when I may have been getting frustrated because I just wanted to run in and grab an ingredient for dinner. Perspective.

“Love is blind”

“Rose-Colored Glasses”

I have been known, according to my daughters, to sport “mom-goggles” ever since they were school age when I give them what they see as nonobjective compliments. The glasses we put on, though, are not always rosy – we can also don a pair that shade everything dark. Anxiety, depression, and misophonia paint the world with wide colorless strokes where everything is interpreted as negative. We parents and teachers can do this when we heavily weigh bad behaviors and label kids as “bad”, “a pain”, “exasperating”. Coupled with our innate negativity bias gone unchecked, this can create a harmful cycle. For highly sensitive children, this labeling doesn’t even have to be declared aloud – they feel it in our tone, our words, and our actions. They can and do interpret slight differences, albeit sometimes incorrectly, as adults’ feelings towards them. From their perspective, which includes all of the senses, all communication is very personal. 

As I was reflecting on this post, I remembered that I had “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain”. When it joined my family’s library, I read the introduction where Betty Edwards explains the skills necessary to learn to draw:

“The global skill of drawing something that you see “out there” (a perceived object, person, landscape) requires only five basic component skills, no more. These skills are not drawing skills. They are perceptual skills, …”

Over the next several weeks, I plan to start the creative process of honing my perception of edges, spaces, relationships, lights and shadows in order for my skill of gestalt (perception of the whole) to become brighter. Consider grabbing a copy of your own and joining me on the journey!

The best thing that we can do as parents (and just as human beings) is to keep awareness on our perspective and ask ourselves: 

WHAT LENSES DO I HAVE ON RIGHT NOW?

Sometimes, it’s the hint we need to stop and grab our Groucho Marx’s.

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